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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

About 6 months ago I decided to go ‘great’ free. I was having one of my ‘ffs I hate D. Trump’ days after one of his latest vicious bigoted narcissistic misogynistic rants on a video I saw on Facebook (why do I EVEN watch them???) One of his favourite words is ‘great’. So I decided there and then to never again use the word ‘great’ in any written articles, replies or responses to anything anywhere. Since I am a bit of a ‘linguaphile’ anyway, it suits me to try my darndest to find alternative words.

 

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English is such a magical language, it’s expressive, descriptive and manipulative, and by using certain words you can change the whole meaning of something e.g. I will toast my bread. If you do that you are toast! I particularly love/enjoy/like words that have the same spelling but have different meanings – consider the word ‘bow’ – depending on how you use it, it’s spelt the same, but has a different meaning in context of the action, and even the pronunciation changes accordingly:

Can you make a ‘bow’ out of this ribbon?

When you meet the Queen you must ‘bow’.

The front of the boat is the ‘bow’.

An archer shoots an arrow from his ‘bow’.

A whole sentence: When we loosen the bow, the Queen will smash the bottle against the bow of the ship, but remember to bow when she arrives or her archer will shoot you with their bow. hahahaha. I just made that up. I love it. 🙂

We have become incredible lazy when responding to a situation by using the word ‘great’ for just about anything…that’s a great hairdo. Your hair looks great. What a great party. I had a great walk. That was great fun. She’s such a great person. The sea looks great today….etc etc You get the picture. Urgh. Why do we use that simplistic word when we have so many interesting, splendiferous, expressive, descriptive words to use in the English language.

So here’s how we can change that:

That’s a great hairdo. = That’s a really stunning hair style, it suits you.

Your hair looks great. = Your hair is looking lovely today.

What a great party. = What a fantastic party. What an enjoyable party.

I had a great walk. = I had an enjoyable walk. I had an exhilarating walk.

That was great fun. = That was so much fun. That was terrific fun.

She’s such a great person. = She’s an admirable person. She’s so personable.

The sea looks great today = The sea looks beautiful/gorgeous/amazing today.

What a great day. = What a terrific/brilliant/superb day.

And so it goes. Since I made the decision to dispel that awful word from my vocabulary, when I’m replying to something on facebook or making a comment I try to find suitable words that are more descriptive, more expressive.Funny-Quotes-English-Language-1 - Mr Tumblr

When I write my blogs, I avoid the word great altogether. While writing this blog I did a google search ‘words to use rather than great’ and look at this ‘fun’ ‘funky’ ‘useful’ ‘brilliant’ ‘clever’ ‘interesting’ website I found 😉

111 words to use instead of great’ https://www.grammarcheck.net/synonyms-great/

I have managed very successfully to avoid using the word except now and then when I accidentally vocalise the word without thinking. Down with great I say….

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Some things are worth repeating:

“Note for pet owners.  The following information is to be read with a sense of humour!  This article is purely a bit of fun. We are confident lots of cat’s owners will relate to the unfolding tale!”

1.         Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.   Position right forefinger and thumb one either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.   Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.            Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.            Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4.         Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Prize jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5.            Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse/partner from garden.

6.         Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse/partner to hold head firmly with one hand while placing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.            Retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set ti one side for gluing later.

8.         Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse/partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, prize mouth one with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.         Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-id to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.            Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Prize mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11.        Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whisky to compress to check to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw blooded T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.        Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.        Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 4 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to Accident & Emergency Dept., sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.  Arrange fro RSPCA to collect cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1.         Wrap something to eat around it.

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This little gem came to me in an email the other day!!! It’s really funny and well worth sharing:

“My son came home from school one day, With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, To put me in my place.

‘Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today, The ‘Children’s Bill of Rights.’

It says I need not clean my room, Don’t have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think, Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, And regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head, And I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me, I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges, With the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me, My body’s only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses, that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals, Like your Mum did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control, And it’s illegal too!

Mum, I have these children’s rights, So you can’t influence me,
Or I’ll call Children’s Services Division, Better known As ‘C.S.D.’

Mum’s Reply and Thoughts…………………

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he’s messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, ‘Pick out all you want, there’s shirts & pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D . Who said they didn’t care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes Instead of Nike Airs.

I’ve canceled that appointment To take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned So I’ll decide what’s best.’

I said ‘No time to stop and eat, Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn To make your own flipping lunch

Just save the raging appetite, And wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions, A favorite dish of mine.’

He asked ‘Can I please rent a movie, To watch on my VCR?’
‘Sorry, but I sold your TV, For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, You’ll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now, I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, Will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski, Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the ‘Parents Bill of Rights’, It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying, Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, Instead of C.S.D..?’

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO’D JUST GET A LAUGH. I love this One!!!
From a MuM (Mean Unappreciated Mother.)”

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Note for pet owners.  The following information is to be read with a sense of humour!  This article is purely a bit of fun. We are confident lots of cat’s owners will relate to the unfolding tale!

How to give a cat a pill!

1.         Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.   Position right forefinger and thumb one either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.   Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.            Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.   Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.            Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4.         Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Prize jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5.            Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse/partner from garden.

6.         Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse/partner to hold head firmly with one hand while placing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7.            Retrieve cat from curtain rail.  Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set ti one side for gluing later.

8.         Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse/partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, prize mouth one with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.         Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-id to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.            Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Prize mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11.        Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whisky to compress to check to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw blooded T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12.        Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.        Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 4 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Consume remainder of Scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to Accident & Emergency Dept., sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.  Arrange fro RSPCA to collect cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How to give a dog a pill

1.         Wrap something to eat around it.

 



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This is really funny, and cosidering that I have just come back from a holiday in Scotland, I thought it was appropriate to blog this:

Hardy Folk

40 degrees F – Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland strip down to their vests and sunbathe
35 degrees F – Italian cars won’t start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees F – Folk in Florida wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a long-sleeved T-shirt.
15 degrees F – Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the North Sea.
Zero degrees – New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last BBQ before it gets cold.
10 degrees below zero – In Miami, mortality rate due to exposure rockets. People in Scotland enjoy an ice cream.
20 degrees below zero – Californians fly away to Mexico for a holiday. People in Scotland relent and throw on a light jacket.
80 degrees below zero – Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone” Winter Survival” classes because it’s not cold enough.
100 degrees below zero – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland pull down the ear flaps on their balaclavas.
173 degrees below zero – Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can’t defrost their porridge.
297 degrees below zero – Microbial life start to disappear. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 degrees below zero – ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying “Here it’s chilly, you cauld an aw?”
500 degrees below zero – Hell freezes over. PEOPLE IN SCOTLAND START TO SUPPORT ENGLAND IN THE WORLD CUP!

sourced from this site!

 

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